Really big waves. It’s odd—I made a CD mix called Introspection and have been listening to it virtually nonstop whenever I drive. It has all sorts of sad songs, some of them moving toward redemption, some of them trying to, along with a few downright uplifting pieces. Sad songs almost always make me feel better—happy, understood, relieved, pensive, calmed….But yesterday was different. My mind went crazy as I listened to this CD, particularly when one of my old favorites, My Immortal (by Evanescence), came on. Huge surges of regret washed over me as I pondered some of my less commendable actions in this life–all the times I’ve hurt or been hurt by another person. And there I was, crying in my car once again….when I thought I’d moved beyond that stage of healing.
So many questions. What does it mean to be forgiven? How do I respond to God’s forgiveness? How do I forgive myself? What does that even mean? Am I even capable of that? Why have I suffered so much in this area of my life, relationships….I mean, I’m not asking b/c I don’t think I deserve it…I know I do. But to what end have I suffered? What am I supposed to learn from this to help make the world a better place….to be a better me…one that’s closer to God and a more accurate, loving reflection of Him? Why did I even do what I did? What drove me so far away from what I EVER thought I’d be?