I LOVE that sappy Kelly Clarkson song….”Out of the darkness & into the sun…I won’t forget the ones that I love”
Anyway, I really like said song recently since I had a ridiculously momentous break through regarding all my thoughts on guilt, etc. It’s hard to describe….but…I recently realized (with some help) that even though I have immense guilt over many many past actions, it’s not my job to keep punishing myself for that. Duh, I know…but here’s the thing. For so long, I sort of knew this, but I couldn’t figure out how to stop punishing myself…. I didn’t really believe that it was ok to move on in that sense.
One of the most beautiful analogies I’ve seen of this behaviour is in the movie with Ben Affleck and Samuel L Jackson…_Changing Lanes_ Ben’s character is involved in a hit & run accident, and even though he’s a hardened, selfish individual, he feels guilt over his actions. However, that guilt is only manifested in a cut that’s above his eye which we slowly learn that he’s continually re-opening with a razor blade. Eventually, he collapses from blood poisoning b/c he’s never allowed the wound to heal…couldn’t allow it to heal.
Finally hearing a reassurance from a loved one (whom I’ve hurt in the past) that moving on is ok and desireable, and that if God’s forgiven me, there’s no need for me to keep hurting and that I should concentrate on learning from and growing past my mistakes….just hearing those words released something inside of me….a physical weight actually left my body. I slept through the night sans nightmares, and woke with a strange (nearly forgotten) sense of renewed energy and optimism.
My nightmares are slowly abating….thank goodness there haven’t been too many repeats of my insomnia-inducing terror….that was HORRIBLE! I woke up in the middle of a nightmare so terrified that I was screaming (which I aparently do almost every night in my sleep), curled in a fetal position, and unable to move or speak. and it wasn’t even that scary of a dream….Just some silly dream about a customer at my desk turning into a monster….lol!