BOOKS!!! and disturbing thoughts

I have all my books for law school! YEAY! Just 9, but they make a stack (no joke) that’s nearly 3 feet high. These books are HUGE!

The nerd in me wants to carry them everywhere…..but I digress.

Should I be a parent? Weird question, I know. But, I had a strange thought: my husband is thrilled about having kids. I think it’s the coolest job in the world (though I’m simultaneously TERRIFIED at the thought of undertaking it). Yet, I constantly say that I don’t want to have kids and have no intention of having them anytime soon. I’m so scared that I’m supposed to be a parent and am too immature to realize it or to be a good one….And I mean, is that what I’m supposed to do with my life? Be a parent? AHHHHH! What if I AM, but I realize it too late, and I can’t be? Or I’ve wasted all sorts of valuable time not being one.

Why am I still going through career-type angst? I’m happy with my life, relatively, but I’m not doing what I want to do ….though (and I digress) I had an interesting realization re: my current job.

Because of this realization, I will no longer call myself a corporate drone. I had the opportunity to be (potentially) head-hunted by another department for a job as a sort of uber-secretary–basically, the lady who runs the office for people who do lots of high-level deals w/ business customers. and as I posted for the job (corporate slang for expressing interest in a position online), I realized that even though the hours are better and the stress factors much fewer, I DON’T WANT ANOTHER JOB ’til I’ve KICKED SOME SERIOUS ARSE in my current position. That’s right: I’m CHOOSING to STAY in this position ’til I’ve beat the bejabbers out of it and maintained my integrity while doing so.

Oh, God…..please help me see you. And once again: “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believethat the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my peril alone.” ~Thomas Merton

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